Mackenzie has gone from being a recovering biter to a scratcher. I was pleased that the whole biting thing seemed long behind us. But her new method of dealing with frustration seems to be scratching her friends faces. It started out pretty isolated & is now increasing in frequency. If I'm with her, I can watch for it & attempt to nip it in the bud with a timely session of time-out. But, for the many activities we do in which she is watched in a group by another caregiver (or 2 or 3...) their eyes are on a number of babies & she is able to inflict damage when their attention is diverted to another toddler in the room. So, I'm now facing having to not take her to certain things if I can't have my eyes on her at all times. That I can live with.
What has been surprisingly hard for me to deal with is the feeling of judgement from other mommies. Not necessarily spoken, but implied (at least I feel it, but maybe I'm overly reading into things), or at least thought by other mommies that they are judging me because of my child's behavior. That's hard. Certainly I am responsible for her behavior, and nothing that has been said is not true or maybe what I would say if my child were the scratch-ee. So, maybe it's that the truth hurts? And as a new mommy (realistically all mommies), we are constantly doubting ourselves to begin with. Am I a good mom? Do I have what it takes? So, to feel that you are being judged, that someone really might think you do not have what it takes, has been rough for me.
I'm sure I'm being oversly sensitive. But I can't shake this feeling of being embarrassed that others are judging (and not approving) of my ability to control my child's actions. I think moms with older children (more than one) are more understanding. Chances are with a few kids, at least one of yours has displayed these types of undesirable actions. So, they seem very understanding. For us new mommies of one, maybe it's harder to be understanding when you see a child scratching repeatedly. I don't know. That's just my thoughts.
I just never expected to feel so judged by the actions of my child, or for it to bother me so much. Yet another unexpected hard part of parenting.
2 comments:
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It seems to me that kids' behavior at this age has little or nothing to do with the parents and I don't judge. If it were a 5 year old? Maybe a different story.
But I do understand what you mean. We went to a playdate that was too close to naptime and MP just had a freaking meltdown and I couldn't do anything except load her in the car and head home. And I felt judged.
I also hosted a playdate where a mom was going through a similar situation. I tried so hard to make sure she knew I wasn't judging. I kept smiling at her. I kept telling her that I completely understood and that mine has acted that way many times. But I could tell she was uncomfortable and embarrassed. Which made me wonder - was I really being judged or was I just being sensitive? I don't know. It's hard and I have no advice.
Anyone who would judge you for the actions of a 17 month old is not worth your time! The actions of an older child is different. That definitely can be a by product of ineffective parenting but she is learning and testing limits and she is LEARNING her world around her. She is going to test and push and push and test for a while. She will get it. You are NOT a bad mom. You are NOT a bad mom!!!!!
I've learned over the last 5 1/2 years of being a mom that if people want to judge me and think differently of me because something like this .... they are not worth my time and their actions make me wonder if they really are a true friend to begin with?
You are doing a great job! Mackenzie is just going through a phase and this too shall pass ... and another phase will be right behind it :) Grin :)
Sometimes you are not being judged but you feel like it b/c you feel like there is something more you could/should do. But you are doing a great job. Don't let satan creep in and cause tension where there's not any. He's good at that!
try to evaluate whether or not you are being judged or it's just your emotions ... if it's emotions tell them to hit the road ... if you are being judged and peoples words are hurtful ... tell them to hit the road :)
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